Not the lockdown I thought I would have.

Lockdown came suddenly for us. We were watching the news and knew some kind of lockdown was on its way. But an unexpected and serious health incident meant that, as a family, we went into a complete lockdown suddenly one Saturday afternoon, without any preparation.

I have always been busy. That kid who had a part-time job, always handed in their homework on time and was involved in extracurricular activities.

If I ever fantasied about having some extended time at home, I thought about learning a language or an instrument or taking a French cooking class. Even maybe organising a series of Pinterest worthy activities for my kids. You know the ones that somehow manage to look messy and beautiful, all at the same time. Doing the things I’ve always thought I’d enjoy but struggled to find the time to do with a husband, two children, a full-time job, volunteer commitments and a business venture side-hustle.

But nearly five weeks in, this has not been my lockdown experience.

Some parts of lockdown have been really hard, and it’s taken me a month to find my groove. In the beginning, I was trying to kind of live “life as normal” but in a lockdown environment… Big mistake! We experienced tears and tantrums (some of them the children’s), and it took me a while to realise that this wasn’t normal, and we needed to find a new way.

Having the whole family together, all the time, in the house, has created more dishes than I thought possible. And the kids continually playing in their toy room has made it impossible to keep clean. By my pre-COVID-19 standards, we are living in squalor.

I also really miss people. I am usually not a huge hugger, but far out I miss hugging my friends. I miss the office and the incidental interactions you have with people. I miss coffee dates and small talk and buying lunches (someone else making my lunch).

The relentlessness of cooking is also wearing me down a little. In the beginning, because we were home, I was making everyone a cooked meal three times a day. That was short-lived. As much as I enjoy cooking, I just can’t keep that up.

But somehow amid the squalor and the lack of privacy and the never-ending meals to cook, something beautiful has happened.

This period of isolation has given my family a chance to get off the hamster-wheel that was our life and take some time to reassess. Before this all happened we would be setting the alarm, hustling out the door in the morning, work all day and then often need to excuse myself from a meeting early so I could rush through the traffic to make it to the kids After School Care to pick them up before it closed at 6 pm. This was not the end of the day as I’d have to rush home, quickly cook dinner, argue about homework and get the kids bathed and ready for their 7.30 pm bedtime.

I don’t want to do that anymore. This isolation has been an opportunity to reconnect as a family.

After what feels like a lifetime of operating that way, I have found myself tired. Really tired. And honestly binging Netflix together has been an absolute delight. Pyjama days and space for the kids to play with their Lego and Barbies has been lovely. We have gone on walks every day and just let the kids talk about whatever is on their mind.

I have a high school friend who moved to London more than ten years ago now. We send each other Christmas care packages and write on our Facebook walls for each other’s birthday. Now, because of COVID-19, we are Facetiming each other. We have never done that before. I can’t tell you why, but in isolation, we have decided to reach out and reconnect, and it’s been so lovely.

I love cooking and usually, if I can, on the weekends, I find a fancy recipe and cook up some extravagant dinner. But with some groceries being hard to find, cooking for me these days has become more basic and flexible with whatever I have in the pantry. I feel like I’m channelling my Grandmother and getting back to the fundamental but creative and flexible ways of cooking of the past. I love it.

The challenge of using whatever I have, without the luxury of just popping to the shops whenever I needed anything and with all the ingredients being available all the time, has made me look at things differently and become more creative with my cooking. It’s also helped my kid’s transition to eating whatever is for dinner.

In the past, because I was tired and wanted to avoid the argument whenever my kid didn’t want whatever we served for dinner, I’d accommodate them and make something else. Not anymore. Now whatever we have, is all we have, so they eat it or go to bed hungry. And they have adapted and tried and liked new foods. Cooking for me now is less fancy, simpler meals and it has been glorious.

Before this I was so tired at the end of the week and had such a long list of errands to run, it was rare that I just sat with my kids and watched a movie and enjoyed their company. Honestly, even on the odd occasion where I did do it, I was planning the next thing and not truly being present with them. I’d be putting in my online grocery order while I ‘watched’ a movie with them. But things feel so much slower now, like I have so much more space in my mind, that I am loving introducing my kids to the movies I loved when I was their age. We have seen “Honey I Shrunk the Kids” and “Mrs Doubtfire” recently and it’s been hilarious and wonderful.

Rather than doing all the stuff I would have before or trying to replace it with a new and endless list of projects; the lockdown has given me an opportunity just to be with them.

There is no doubt, like everyone, I am looking forward to the COVID-19 crisis being over. But I’m not sure I am that keen for things to go back to “normal” so quickly.

The caveat to all this is that we are lucky that both my husband and I have been able to work from home and keep our jobs. So lockdown has not had that extra stress of financial burden for us. And for that, I am really very grateful.